• Erica Saville

I Thought It Would Be Easier By Now

I’m not going to lie. I’m struggling with some shame today.

My LO just celebrated (or had celebrated for her) six months of life. We are in a pretty steady routine of daycare Monday through Friday, and sleeping-in Saturday. I know how many bottles she needs, I know when her diapers need to be changed, I know the sound of her different cries and what each of them mean. I know what toys she’s into this week and how much space she needs. I know what sounds and faces make her giggle. I know when she’s had too much.

This girl and I have built a system over the past six months and for the most part, I understand her.

But I still need so much help, and I thought it would be easier by now.

Shouldn’t I know if she’s actually upset in the middle of the night, or if she is just struggling to get herself to sleep?

Shouldn’t I be getting the poop laundry done more quickly by now?

Shouldn’t I be able to do housework while the baby is awake, since she can be quite content to play on her own?

Of course the small rational voice in my head knows that “should” is a bad word, and that I can allow myself some grace as a momma, and that babies are tricky because babies are human. But sometimes that small voice isn’t loud enough.

I’m putting this out there, despite my shame, because I think maybe we moms should talk more with each other about these moments - the times we don’t have it all together and have no idea what to do. Maybe we wouldn’t feel so alone in our mistakes if we did.

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